25 Mar

How to prove you’re a man in 5 easy steps

If you’ve been following me for the past few months you know that in the process of becoming a full-time writer I’ve also taken over most of the daily chores around the house. This includes going to the grocery.

Step 1 – Make a list of things you want to buy
Step 2 – Get in the car and drive to the grocery store
Step 3 – Pick out all the things on your list
Step 4 – Go to the checkout lines and pay for your items
Step 5 – Put items in your car and drive home

Today I enacted this process. I flew through step 1, making a remarkably crisp list. I mean, it had everything. Well, except for the eggs that I added on at the last moment. Nothing can slip past me. No way. Then I successfully managed to complete step 2, driving calmly to the grocery store without a single accident. I ran into a small difficulty in step 3 when I grabbed a squeaky cart, but I made a quick audible at the line of scrimmage and picked out a sleeker, quieter cart (true pro here, true dat). Within 45 minutes, my cart was full. Yes, step 3, you are my play-thing.

It was, however, the prep leading up to step 4 where I realized that the process definition above is actually not complete. It turns out there are actually 6 steps to going to the grocery store. Who freakin’ knew? If you’re sharp, you’ve probably already figured out that the extra step is one that needs to be included between steps 1 and 2–that being the process where you “put your wallet in your back pocket.”

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As a result of today’s educational adventures, you’ll be happy to note that I’ve added an error-handling addendum to the process document above. In the case of said error, one merely places all groceries back on the shelf, and then proceed directly to the “drive home” portion of step five. At that point, you are free to exercise the process all over again.

Consider this your Public Service Announcement for the day.

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